Long ago, back when Alex the Obese – leader of the Salmondites – ruled Scotland, God sent the angel Gabriel to visit a special woman who lived on the outskirts of St Andrews. Her name was Mary; she was a poor, 14 year-old Madras schoolgirl. She was engaged to her brother, Joseph, also a Madras attendee. He studied Design Technology.
The angel Gabriel said to Mary: “You are pregnant by the Holy Spirit and will give birth to a girl, who shall be named Stihler. She will become the new Rector of the University of St Andrews.” “But Gabriel,” said Mary, “I don’t think I can handle parenting four kids. Besides, I thought a new Rector has to be elected, you know, through the democratic process?” “Fear not child,” said Gabriel comfortingly, “God has already thought of this and created ‘Clause 19’. The girl is the Chosen One.”
Mary was still confused about the spirit which had impregnated her (her guess: Tesco everyday value whisky) but nevertheless, she accepted the plan and informed Joseph. Joseph was worried about the baby and how they could afford it. He couldn’t ask his own mum for financial help because she needed her funds to get through her freshman year at Abertay University. However, the angels came to comfort him. “With your carpentry skills, you can get a job helping to build Venue 1 in the Union,” Gabriel spoke gently, “that will keep you busy for the next 10 years…”
Nine months down the line, and Mary looks like a whale. She is also heavily pregnant. There is a party going on at the Vic and, living near Aldi, Mary and Joseph set off on their 70 mile journey (approximately) to Market Street. Mary could feel the kicking of her soon-to-be-born baby, and through motherly compassion, decided to limit herself on the night to Smirnoff Ices. Despite this, the excitement of the Vic’s 6’x6’ dance floor was enough for her waters to break. But there were no taxis for Mary and Joseph. How would they get home? They had to find a place to stay quickly.
The first place they came to was the Lizard. They then walked past it because they knew it was shit. (Haha you thought we were actually going to have the baby born in The Lizard? Gullible much). Anyway, the second place they came to was the R&A clubhouse. “Please let us stay the night”, pleaded Joseph, “my wife is about to have a baby!” “Sorry my good man,” the R&A executive said, “no women allowed.” “But you guys had a vote to allow women in…” Joseph stated. “Correct, but it was more for the benefit of strippers…” came the response.
Mary and Joseph were by now getting desperate. They would even stay in a stable if they had to! Unfortunately, Fife Park had been recently knocked down by the local council. And Albany Park was full. They would have to stoop even lower, to a place where only ducks and Americans live: DRA. Here, a student by the name of Joseph Smith, a 4 th year International Relations facing the prospect of eternal unemployment, discovered tablet sized piece of paper. Smith eagerly tried to decipher the language and contents. Certain symbols he could make out as ‘Accommodation crisis’ and ‘University threatens to cancel Raisin’ but the rest was unknown. Seeing the unfortunate couple arrive, Smith sneaked out during the night with his copy of The Saint and took the first flight out of Edinburgh to his native Utah.
Back in dimly-lit DRA, the baby was born. Mary was relieved the ordeal was over; Joseph welcomed the new child benefit income. The Three Wise Sabbaticals had followed STAR Radio’s reporting of the event (a 4th sabbatical tried but the system crashed due to traffic overload) and made their way to DRA. Melichior Ondrej gave the baby life membership of the Union. Soon a loud cry was heard. However, Caspar Leon had brought a pair of his Hunter wellies (which fit the baby quite perfectly!) and Balthazar Fay gave the baby a bottle of Cava, both which succeeded in quieting the little babe.
Born of a Madras family,
St Andrews had found its new Rector,
Stithler of St Andrews.