As Valentine’s Day approaches in St Andrews, many students across the university may find themselves struggling to decide what to gift to their American lovers, but never fear! I, trusty Agent L.U.M.P (Loyal Undying ‘Murican Patriot), am here to set you straight on the path to a hot, steamy freedom-infused Valentine’s Day weekend. Finding the perfect gift for your American beau or beau-ess is no simple task, as we are a complicated, nuanced people of infinite sophistication, but this guide should sort out the finer details for you.
Found yourself a sassy American lass in St Andrews? Don’t know what to get her? Look no further! I’ve got lots of experience wrangling wild American women, and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t benefit from my hard-earned wisdom. Let’s begin with the basics: jewellery. American women are a lot like largemouth bass, you see. They absolutely flip for shiny stuff, and it won’t take much to lure them in. Jewellery should also be gifted with clothing, and you may want to start with an American staple, such as yoga pants. Buy a black pair with cartoonish pink lettering on the ass, it should say something like “Varsity Slut” or “Insert Here”. You can’t go wrong! Feeling bold? Want to go above and beyond the basic shit? Get her a gun.
That’s right, you heard me. A sexy, smoldering, smoking-at-the-tip, balls-deep-in-liberty gun. The gun is the money shot of all Valentine’s Day gifts for your Yankee SO, male or female. If you’re feeling classy, find her a vintage Winchester model 94 chambered in 30/30 with iron sights. That motherfucker helped win the west, and with God as my witness, it’ll win your girlfriend’s heart. If you’re more of a tech geek, any of the Benelli semi-autos will do.
I can only speak for what works for me, but if your man’s any sort of man, chances are he and I have a lot in common. You’ll do right by getting him red meat (volume is key), and you’ll get bonus points for cooking it for him too. If you’re a do-it-yourself kinda gal and you went out and slaughtered the beast yourself, bring along pictures of you with your fresh kill. Bacon will also do nicely, prepared in most any form. BONUS POINTS: wear the bacon. Picture Princess Leia in Jabba’s palace, but dressed in a bikini more suitable for a George Foreman grill than a rugged space desert.
This article first appeared in our February 2015 print edition.