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We advise jumping in the fire for a few minutes after a stint in the North Sea. Will warm you up - just a tad. Credit: The Sinner

Going Nude at the May Dip? Some considerations

So, you’ve made it to sunrise on May Dip – an impressive feat, considering most of your classmates have been passed out for hours. You’ve survived endless card games, almost falling asleep, and more alcohol and caffeine in one night than you normally drink in a whole week. You’re standing on that beach, unsure if you’re just getting used to the Scottish wind or if alcohol blankets are a real thing, and only one question now remains… To go nude, or be a prude?

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(Personally, I opted for the middle route last year and simply went topless (do you know how hard bras are to dry?!) so I believe I am somewhat of an expert in the matter.)

PRO

Everyone will be staring at you

Hell yes everyone is staring at you! You’ve been to Dervish five times in the last week to prepare this bikini body, it would be a shame if you didn’t show it off to everyone as much as is humanly possible. Besides, maybe if you take off your clothes that cutie in your 10am will follow suit. *fingers crossed*. It’s ok to stare if everyone else is doing it, right? RIGHT? RIGHT?

This image has not been altered in any way, shape or form. Credit: The Sinner

This image has not been altered in any way, shape or form. Credit: The Sinner

Sand everywhere

Sand can’t be all that bad, otherwise Sex on the Beach wouldn’t be a bucket list item or a drink for immature twenty-somethings. And do you know what helps get sand off fast? Water! As soon as you’ve dunked your naked self into the frigid ocean, all that sand will wash away. Plus, we hear it’s a pretty good exfoliant (for those not acquainted with spa terms: your body will feel as smooth as the marble bar counters in the Union) so what could be so terrible about it?

You won’t remember people’s reactions

The best part about drinking is not remembering all the shameful things you did the morning after. So chug that beer and sprint in wearing nothing but your vitamin D deficient skin and remember the motto: ‘pics or it didn’t happen!’

Oh wait, your friends thought it was so funny they actually did take pictures? … You’re never going to live this one down. I’m so sorry.

We advise jumping in the fire for a few minutes after a stint in the North Sea. Will warm you up - just a tad. Credit: The Sinner

We advise jumping in the fire for a few minutes after a stint in the North Sea. Will warm you up – just a tad. Credit: The Sinner

I don’t think you realise how cold the North Sea is

You got me on this one. I have to concede, having froze half to death in it multiple times myself, that the North Sea is freezing. But on the other hand… Is a flimsy layer of fabric over your special spots going to make any difference once you’re submerged in ice cold water? I didn’t think so.

CON

Everyone will be staring at you

Every single person on the beach at 5am will be staring at your naked body, possibly murmuring ‘dear sweet savior’ to their friends, and wondering what bet you lost that ensured you’d have all your goodies on display for the world to see. There’s no way you’ll be able to sneak into the water in your birthday suit without attracting everyone’s attention. They’ll certainly notice you, though you won’t know whether they’re whispering nasty things about you or admiring your balls – ahem, courage.

Sand everywhere

I’m assuming you’ve been in the sand before. Therefore, you should know how ridiculously difficult that stuff is to get out of everything. Once you get a single grain on your skin, half of the beach is suddenly attached to you despite your best attempts to brush it off right back where it came from. It will get in your hair, under your nails, all over your phone… Do you really want it all over your hoo-hoo too? I thought not.

Think this is bad? Last year it rained. Credit: The Sinner

Think this is bad? Last year it rained. Credit: The Sinner

You won’t remember people’s reactions

It doesn’t matter what people are saying because you’ve had enough to drink to sustain an entire army. You won’t know if people are avoiding your eye the next day because they’re embarrassed for you or are just too hungover for normal human interaction. Either way, the uneasy feeling of not knowing will remain and you may be kept up all night thinking of the things people might have been saying about you for years to come. Therapy can get expensive. Better not risk it.

I don’t think you realise how cold the North Sea is

The average winter temperature of that water you’re contemplating running into? 43 °F/6 °C. You’re gonna need all the layers you can get, tiger. Once you’ve dipped a toe in, you’ll find yourself wishing you’d kept on that extra layer. If you’d planned ahead you would have brought a wet suit. You should definitely sit it out in the sand and instead search for cheap wetsuits on eBay so you’ll be adequately prepared next year.

Whichever way you take the plunge, remember to be safe, have fun, and don’t let anyone else dictate whether your underwear stays there or you do it completely bare. And if you pass out before the party starts this year, consider yourself lucky. You have a whole extra year to make the biggest decision of your life.

This article featured in our April 2015 print edition.

General Election 2015 – The Sinner’s comprehensive voting guide.

Awwww...it was all worth it in the end. Image credit: The Sinner

Awwww…it was all worth it in the end. Image credit: The Sinner



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