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Louise Ezekiel Richardson. Image credit: The Sinner

The Book of Louise

Louise Ezekiel Richardson. Image credit: The Sinner

Louise Ezekiel Richardson. Image credit: The Sinner

  1. And so it came to pass, as the elders spoke in their assembly, a bright light shone forth, and a great voiced called out, “Across the sea shalt come forth from the tribe of Harvard, and she shalt be called Louise, and she shall lead the tribe of Andrew to glory (and better gender equality).” And the elders were afraid, yet bowed their heads together and thus spake, “Although we did not invite you to our proceedings, which you have (frankly rather rudely) come upon, thy will shalt be done”.
  2. And so it came to pass, that Louise came forth from the tribe of Harvard, and came to lead the tribe of Andrew. And there were many who were heard on the streets and in the marketplace Tesco gossiping and thus spake “It is unheard of a woman to lead the tribe of Andrew, what wrath and misery may come of this?” But Louise came forth and thus spake “I do not care for thy fears, for you are overwhelmingly high-born, from the land of England and support the high elders of Tory.” And all the world was astonished that someone had made such a judgement.
  3. And so it came to pass, that Louise, in great humility, came forth and saw her dwelling, and was sore vexed. And she thus spake with ire “I am a great leader of a great tribe, anointed by (this still mysteriously unspecified) great voice, and yet ye mock me with this paltry dwelling”. And thus she stretched forth her arm and thus spake with such a great voice that all around her trembled, “I shall take this dwelling as my own.” And all those around her quarrelled with her, and thus spake “Thou cannot have that dwelling, O great leader of the tribe of Andrew, for that is the tabernacle of the Most High School of Art History, which even the Royal Family of Windsor once dwelt within”. And to this Louise was sore vexed, and thus spake with great fury, “If I do not have this dwelling, I will leave the tribe of Andrew.” And all were afraid that they might be weighed down with another man as leader after so little time, and thus ceded. And the Most High School of Art History was moved to a new tabernacle (squashed in between the library and the Porter’s Lodge).
  4. And so it came to pass, that Louise turned her countenance to a powerful tribe within the tribe of Andrew, the Kennedyites, who since time immemorial had refused any women into their number. For two of their number upon whose consciences this matter weighed heavy, Pat son of Mathewson and Sunny son of Moodie, had caused much vexation within the Kennedyites for seeking that this (rather ridiculous anachronism) be undone. And they had been sent away from the Kennedyites for their deeds. And so they came to Louise and thus spake together in earnest ‘O great leader, we had sought that the Law of the Kennedyites that prohibits that any woman join their number be undone, and for our deeds we have been sent away. Pray send us your aid, we beseech thee.” And so Louise thus came upon the Kennedyites, and exerted great pressure on them that their Law be undone, along with many other elders of the tribe of Andrew. And so the Kennedyites undid their Law, and their gates were opened to women, and there was much rejoicing throughout the streets (except amongst the newly-founded Kate Kennedy Fellowship, who now had absolutely no purpose whatsoever).
  5. And so it came to pass, that there was great turmoil in the land of Scotland, in which the tribe of Andrew had settled. For their elders, above all their leader Alex son of Salmond once of the tribe of Andrew, were seeking to separate from the other lands of the UK, for there was much quarrelling between all the elders. For Alex son of Salmond did not agree with the route that David son of Cameron was leading the peoples of the lands of the UK. And there was much animosity between the peoples of the land of Scotland who wanted to stay with the lands of the UK, and those who did not. And thus Alex son of Salmond thus spake to Louise “O leader of the tribe of Andrew, you are most revered throughout the land of Scotland. Pray, I beseech thee, say something of goodwill about those who are trying to separate from the lands of the UK, for until now you have been most unkind.” And Louise rebuked Alex son of Salmond and thus spake “Piss off, Alex son of Salmond, for I like not your designs.” And then she told the Daily Telegraph of the matter.
  6. And so it came to pass, that at the same time, there was a great and powerful tribe which dwelt within the tribe of Andrew, called the tribe of the R&A and, like the Kennedyites of Old, it was in their Law to prohibit that all women join their number. Up until this point, the leader of the tribe of Andrew had become one of the tribe of the R&A, but at this point this custom stopped on account of their Law. And thus their number (allegedly) waved their personal banners of the tribe of the R&A at Louise to taunt her of the fact that she was prohibited from joining them. And thus Louise was sore vexed. But then many of the number of the R&A rose up in disquietude and sought to open their gates to women, as had the Kennedyites. And Lo! In the same hour that the land of Scotland chose to stay with the lands of the UK, so too did the tribe of the R&A choose to open their gates to women. And there was much rejoicing (in the corridor of Louise’s house, for she had won a double victory on that day).
  7. And so it came to pass, that Louise came forth in much triumph, and thus spake gladly “Such marvellous works have been done at my hand as I have led the tribe of Andrew. And thus I seek just reward.” And thus she took additionally riches to those that were here by right according to the Law of Andrew, to the sum of 30,000 pounds of gold. And some amongst the tribe of Andrew were sore vexed, and thus spake “It is not right that such a sum should be taken by the hand of Louise, for these are times of leanness”. Yet the elders of the tribe of Andrew thus replied, “What are you all? A bunch of Commies? She’s not going to give back the money anyway whatever you say in protest.” And thus Louise returned to her dwelling, once the tabernacle of Most High School of Art History, and rejoiced.
  8. And so it came to pass, that in another part of the land, where the elders of the tribe of Oxenford sat in assembly, a bright light shone forth, and a great voice called out “From the wild Northern parts shalt come forth from the tribe of Andrew, and she shalt be called Louise, and she shall lead the tribe of Oxenford to glory”. And the elders of the tribe of Oxenford, who bowed their heads and heeded this great boice (still mysteriously unspecified), appointed Louise their leader. And Louise thus spake “To move from the tribe of Andrew to the tribe of Oxenford- that is what most of the number of the tribe of Andrew dream of!” And thus she prepared to leave the tribe of Andrew to lead the tribe of Oxenford.
  9. Yet at the final days as leader of the tribe of Andrew, there came to Louise two lowly members of the tribe of Andrews, beseeching her for her aid, for they thus spake “We are with (academic) child, yet there is no room amongst this settlement. Pray, O great leader, in your final days, turn your face to the problem that scores of your soon to be forsaken tribe are burdened with”. And Louise, in her dwelling which had once been the tabernacle of the Most High School of Art History, thus replied “This problem is all in your heads, and I’m sick and tired of hearing about it. Thanks be the LORD that I am to go to the tribe of Oxenford, where they all just live in colleges!”

Here endeth the Book of Louise.



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