IOWA, U.S.A – In a surprising development, the Republican President frontrunner, Donald J Trump, has announced he will also run for the role of Principal of the University of St Andrews because “the presidency won’t be that hard and I don’t like getting bored”.
Mr Trump, 69, made the announcement at the sleepy Iowa town of Cedar Rapids in front of thousands of cheering supporters on Sunday, highlighting his strong links with Scotland.
The property billionaire said:
“The polls are great. Have you seen them? I’m going to be such a fantastic president. I’m going to be so great in fact I’ll have a lot of spare time, so today I’m announcing my candidacy to be the Principal of the University of St Andrews in Scotland.”
In a wide-ranging speech, Trump also tackled key issues affecting St Andrews such as accommodation, claiming that “no one builds better than Trump” and that he will seek to purchase the Premier Inn on Largo Road to turn it into a 100 story plaza with 4,000 rooms and a casino.
The GOP favourite later claimed he will make “St Andrews great again.”
“It’s appalling what’s happening. St Andrews is getting beaten by everyone – everyone! Have you seen what Fife Council is doing to our roads? Not when I’m in charge. I’m a builder, I build things. It’s what I do; and we’re going to build so many amazing roads, it’s gonna be fantastic.”
“And look what Dundee is doing. They send their people across our bridge, and they take our jobs, work in our university and our restaurants. It’s a sad, sad sight. When I’m principal, we’re going to build a wall on the bridge so big, so high, so great, that we’ll stop them coming.”
In what was probably the most surprising statement, Trump also announced if principal, he would ban all future American students from the university:
“You know, the last time I was in St Andrews, the place it, ya know, just didn’t feel Scottish anymore.”
“All these Americans swarming around the place, I don’t know, it’s not right. They’re good people, don’t get me wrong, but we need to stop them coming until we can figure out what is going on!”
After his speech, the former host of the US version of the Apprentice gave an exclusive interview with The Sinner. When asked if the American ban would include himself, Trump said “no.”
Responding to reports from The Saint of thousands of students marching on West Sands chanting “Die Trump, Die”, Trump claimed that this was media spin.
“This is a classic example of the liberal socialist ‘media’. Sure, there were thousands of students who walked on the beach – with not an ugly windfarm in sight, let me tell you, Kenly Wind farm? Not gonna happen on my watch – who were supporting me. They were saying ‘Hi Trump, hi!’”
Donald Trump claimed that students will love him.
“Everyone loves The Donald. It’s true, it’s true, I don’t know! Look, the students will be great. I’ve invested millions and millions of pounds in golf courses in Scotland. Who loves golf? Students love golf. I hate Alex Salmond. Who hates Alex Salmond? Students hate Alex Salmond.”
“This is a joke. If Trump becomes principal, the consequences of his extreme right-wing ideology will be disastrous. It’s not unimaginable to think of a trebling of tuition fees, sky-high accommodation prices and shameless courting of royal celebrity couples”.