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The calm before the storm, this must have been taken before she got to St Andrews... All rights reserved John Cairns

New Principal “Pulls a Wiley”

“@LouRich…how did u put up with this backwater Sodom??”


Incoming Principal Professor Sally Mapstone has been spotted fleeing southward down the A91. Although details have yet to be confirmed, bystanders claim they could hear ‘Weightless’ by Natasha Bedingfield playing loudly from inside the vehicle. It is too early to make an official statement, but it seems like the new Principal has ‘pulled a Wiley’.

The calm before the storm, this must have been taken before she got to St Andrews... All rights reserved John Cairns

The calm before the storm, this must have been taken before she got to St Andrews… All rights reserved: John Cairns

After a brief induction morning in St Andrews, Professor Mapstone, current Pro-Vice Chancellor of Education at Oxford, apparently murmured something that sounded like ‘f*** this’, before leaping into her Nissan Pulsar and rapidly driving away. An eyewitness report says that Professor Mapstone was ‘visibly shaken’ after receiving a tour of the town, which she thought would be bigger.


After a twenty-five minute wait for a cappuccino in Rector’s Café, Professor Mapstone was ‘not in a great place mentally’ when the tour started, says a student ambassador. After expressing ‘horror’ at the price of a Bellini in Beacon Bar, ‘weeping’ for the ‘poor souls’ in Albany Park, and ‘coming over faint’ when told of the 33% American student body, it is safe to say that the Fellow of St Hilda’s College was not smitten with the Old Toon.


Professor Mapstone was scheduled to make a speech in Younger Hall this evening, though this has now been postponed until further notice. An expert in Older Scots Literature, Professor Mapstone’s Twitter feed offers further suggestion that this debacle is truly reminiscent of grime artist Wiley’s mid-life crisis last month. At 9:37 a.m. she tweeted that she was ‘in a tiny-ass town somewhere #help’. Soon after this she added ’25 minutes for a cappuccino is a #joke’ and then ‘@LouRich…how did u put up with this backwater Sodom??’


DoES Chris MacRae is currently in hot pursuit of the elusive Principal. Senior governor, Sir Ewan Brown, has gone on record to say that today’s events will not change the University Court’s decision. ‘I am confident’ says Brown ‘that Sally is the right person for the job. She is a superb academic, pre-eminent in her field, and I know she is the perfect successor for Louise’. This, by the way, is the same Sir Ewan Brown who said that he was ‘confident that Wiley is the right person for the job’, that ‘he is a superb grime artist, pre-eminent in his genre, and I know he is the perfect rapper for 601’.


Whatever you say, Sir Ewan!

'New Principal “Pulls a Wiley”' have 2 comments

  1. 3rd August 2016 @ 6:13 pm Rich Barno

    New Principal “Pulls a Wiley” This report is really fairly disturbing if it contains an ounce of truth. Really? She accepted a position without even touring the town/campus? This seems too lame to be believable! Is this just farce?


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