In the days since Britain’s historic decision to leave the EU, The Sinner Reporter has headed to the streets of many pro-Brexit constituencies across the country to interview pedestrians. While many cited concerns over an intrinsically undemocratic European parliament, economic inflexibility and ‘Pols!’, a trend, more dyspeptic than political, became apparent in a number of voters.
‘I just sort of had a gut feeling about it’ said Sandra, forty-three, from Sevenoaks. After mumbling for a few minutes about EU bureaucracy and Britain’s potential in the global markets, Sandra admitted that the reason for her vote was down to a mild burning in her lower intestine.
‘I just thought it was some sort of sign,’ she went on to explain. ‘My stomach made such a racket whenever the Eurozone or Brussels were mentioned, I felt I had no choice but to vote out.’
Gary, thirty-seven, from Monmouth, had a similar story of prophetic distress in his digestive tract, ‘I’d been asking around a few of my mates at work and they all had the same symptoms: nausea, growling stomach, uncontrollable gas. None of the Bremain ‘experts’ could account for that!’ When pushed he admitted that ‘reflecting back, it was probably just a bit of IBS.’
When questioned at what point in the last few days they made this discovery, the answer was almost unanimous. ‘Oh it was just as the vote was being read oot.’ said Keith, in Tyneside. ‘It was about 3am and the stress was getting too much for us. The pain in me stomach was excruciating, like. I thought it was Remain momentarily pulling into the lead but on second thought it may’ve joost been the three and a half bhunas I’d smashed at Mr Rajesh’s the night before. I decided to take what I thought would be a quick toilet break but as the final result was read out I just opened up.’
‘Oh ho, yes, when it rains it pours!’ Edward, sixty-six, from County Durham. ‘It just kept going and going… like the Amazonian river in monsoon season. I never thought it would end.’ Asked how he felt in the wake of a Leave victory, Edward gave a candid assessment. ‘Leave had just won; I assumed I’d be ecstatic. In reality I just sat there. A bit empty… and covered in shit.’